Don't accept the white powder

Here’s a lesson I didn’t think I would ever have to learn…

I was working last night pouring wine to help out with my bosses group of food engineers (I can’t believe that’s a thing and I’m honestly so mad I never went to school to become one.) Anyway I’m pouring wine and talking with folks. One guy comes up to me after I watched a man talking to him put a wooden stick up against his tongue. I’ve been cool with this guy, he’s come up multiple times and been super friendly and respectful.

He asks me “do you like sweets?” and I was like hell yeah I like sweets! He asks “do you want to try an alternative sweetener” and I was like alright… He pulls a vial of white powder out of a baggie along with a wooden stick and I’m all “woah woah woah what’s that made of” He just says it’s a protein and shrugs it off.

So I shrug it off cause I’m working and I don’t want to be rude. He gives me the stick and instructs me to grab the tiniest bit I can from the vial and stick it to my tongue. I grab a little bit, he tells me to grab more and at this point another guy is intrigued and grabbing a stick for himself. I felt like I was in the handicap bathroom stall in a shitty night club with a bunch of friends gathered around trying to get some of that white shit.

I put the stick to my tongue and lo and behold: it’s sweet! I say so and the guy looks all happy and starts passing out more samples of his sweet white powder.

Now I don’t know if this was all in my head but I could swear that I started to feel a drip in the back of my throat, and I didn’t snort shit. Not even a half an hour later I had a major headache that would only go away if I drank water. That same night I had the worst heartburn I’ve ever had!

I should’ve learned this already, but don’t take white powder from strangers… it’s so strange because some of the best coke I’ve gotten was from strangers who have a VIP table in a bar and and they had some good shit. Leave it to the one time it’s not coke that I get fucked over. c’est la vie!

Edit: I feel like this makes me sound like I love to accept random coke from strangers in the club… I’ve only done that once and do not recommend. Could’ve turned out pretty terribly for me; I was honestly lucky it wasn’t anything else. Also… coke… not my drug of choice. I don’t get the obsession.

I’m honestly just trying to sound cool because I’ve never been popular and I’m desperate for attention… not to mention the daddy issues…

Tis the Season

I don’t know why, I just feel like writing and I feel like I never take the time to actually do it. Not when I’m enjoying life at least. So here is my quarterly life crisis:

Things I don’t like/understand

  • I don’t like the way I look

    • I don’t understand why I can’t make time to work out

    • I don’t understand why I keep eating pizza and candy and ice cream

    • I don’t understand how an almost 25 year old can get this much fucking acne on her face

    • I don’t understand office attire, it’s boring, unflattering, and dull.

  • I don’t like my job

    • I don’t understand how I kind of, in a way, do actually like my job (I know confusing right?)

    • I don’t understand how people sit at a desk day after day emailing and calling and talking about events that don’t really matter… but they do matter. They provide jobs and stimulate the local economy and keep people fed/housed/comfortable.

    • I don’t understand how we can charge $34.99++ per person for a continental breakfast that doesn’t include any protein… but I do because that’s the competitive price for the valley

  • I don’t like that I understand

    • I don’t understand how I can rationalize everything, even when it’s fucking me over. Why can’t I just act like a kid and throw a tantrum and demand whatever I want.

    • I don’t understand why I can’t just quit this job without any sort of a backup plan

    • I don’t understand why I’m not even looking for another job. But I do, I’ve invested a year and moved up quite a bit and the people around me rely on me and I get paid to live pretty comfortably. Barf.

But am I happy? Or am I just moody because I went off my birth control. I need to start working out.

  • I don’t understand how I can feel so blessed and so thankful for everything that I have and where it has gotten me today.

    • I have a steady job that pays well and allows for me to move up.

    • I have an amazing boyfriend who helps me so much and is so loving and understanding.

    • I have the most supportive family who is always there for me no matter what.

    • I have two beautiful, goofy, amazing dogs who love and enjoy life in a way I can’t even comprehend.

    • I have some pretty great friends.

So why don’t I feel happy or satisfied? Why do I feel stuck in limbo, just slowly gaining weight and trying less and less to do anything other than coast. Have I given up or am I just scared?

Suck it up buttercup, it’s the season of joy

Overthinking

Well I have a house. We have a house, we’re renting. Me, Randy and Cayla. And things are surprisingly smooth and normal. Except for me as always. I got two promotions and one pay-raise. I’m in the position I wanted to go into when I started at this company 8 months ago. Things have been amazing.

So why do I feel like my emotions are going through crazy turbulence and I’m about to crash. Is it because this job is just whatever? It’s not something I’m excited to come in to work everyday doing, it’s boring, but it’s not the worst job in the world. And honestly? I’m getting paid pretty well and there’s lots of room to move up. I mean obviously, I’ve been here 9 months and I’m a fucking manager. Who gave me this power? Why?

Randy suggested we start doing a potluck style dinner between us to save money on food and make things easier when we all get home and work together on one meal rather than trying to make two separate meals. And that was honestly a great idea! We all hang out and talk while cooking and sit down together to eat and it feels like a we’re a big family. The thing is.. I’m controlling and neurotic. Randy and I come up with the big concept of meals we’re going to have for the week and Cayla helps with the sides. The kitchen is my space. I want to take control and make the meals my way (the right way in my mind of course) and Cayla’s in there making solid suggestions and sometime’s Randy agrees and I have to cool out my controlling gene and go with it. It’s a great exercise for my patience. So then instead of relaxing and zoning out while cooking and doing my thing. I have Cayla constantly looking for things to help, she wants to help out, she loves to cook too! And I do like cooking with Cayla most of the time, but sometimes I just want to zone out and get lost in what I’m doing. I’m going to have to find another outlet or man up and fucking talk to them about it (without being an asshole, and lets be honest I can be a fucking asshole when I’m stressed) to get my me-time.

I’m overthinking everything in my life and I need to calm down. I feel like I’m adult, but I also feel like I’m playing a stupid part and all I want to do is run away and live on Mt. Shasta and figure out what is going on inside my head. Or maybe I just want to forget everything. Ruin everything I’ve built and worked on and create a huge mess for me to clean up.

Honestly my life is so good right now, so why am I so… I don’t even know. I’m… going crazy lol.

Maybe I’m living a lie and don’t want to admit it to myself. OR MAYBE I’M OVERTHINKING and should relax and enjoy everything good and beautiful in my life right now.

Is this what being an adult is like?

Instability

I thought I finally had a place, my place. We we're just starting to get settled in to this place. We still haven't even gotten rid of all our old roommates shit. All of our extra shit. And it looks like we're going to have to give even more stuff away.

I've dedicated so much time and money and energy into making this place mine.

And now it's gone.

It's not worth to continue renting out, it's $30,000 to replace the septic tank, they have to sell.

I'm so scared. I don't know how long we have... they never told us, but I know we don't have the money or the friends to find another place like this. This is not the bad news I expected. I was in such a bubble of bliss.

Bitch the bubble has popped. God I'm so scared.

I need to keep my head to the ground, I need to start looking. I'm not going to be able to sleep or stop stress eating until I do. All I want to do is cry.

Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. 

I'm so tired of moving. I haven't even finished moving into this house.

God this sucks.

I just want to buy a plot of land. Just something that's mine, ours even. I can keep an RV on it I can keep a fucking tent on it. Just something that can't be taken from me. Something stable.

I better start packing.

I feel like I'm back in high school in the office

Like if you think about it, that's what it is. You shove a bunch of people together and tell them to work together to get something done (hello group project... one of the worst parts of school) and you sometimes work with people with other departments to get this done. When you have lunch you either leave to get some good food, or you sit down with the few people you like and gossip about what's going on in your life. During your little 15 minute what I used to know as milk break or whatever you gossip about the people you don't like.

This morning I was behind the front desk getting keys for one of our groups when one of the ladies in my office who's in her late 40's early 50's (Manager A) was standing there managing the lobby, it's something every manager has a shift like once every two weeks. Anyway another one of our new managers arrived and just to provide a little background on this manager she's newly divorced with two full-grown kids, she's in her late 30's early 40's (Manager B), and has a bit of trouble feeling like she's fitting in. It's normal, a little needy but whatever at least she's trying and she always shows up with a super positive attitude. Well our super sweet bellman asked Manager B how she was doing, and emphasized asking if she was doing okay today (obviously she had previously talked to him about how she was having a hard time) Manager B laughed it off and said she was fine today. Manager A turns around scoffs and gives me a look "like can you believe this poor pathetic thing."

I just stared at her. Like obviously she's going through a tough time maybe give her a little bit of a break. Yes she's not my favorite person to talk to but I'm at least grateful someones willing to talk to her about how she's doing. I'm an asshole who keeps to herself in the office, which is the only reason you like me is because I keep my head down and get my work done. It just pissed me off, but this woman scares me and I'm just trying to get my work done and go home each day with little to no drama or resistance. I don't make enough money to try and address that attitude.

For the longest time I didn't think I had a personality...

Legitimately. When I was growing up I felt like I was just coasting on my looks. I'm not crazy hot but I could turn heads every now and then. I would wonder if I was a sociopath... but I  felt guilty for killing spiders so that option was out. I could make people laugh if I cared enough to try. But that's where the problem arises. I didn't care.

I care about people and what they think of me to an extent obviously everyone wants people to like them. But I'm not going to die if someone doesn't like me. Here's the thing, a baby is crying outside of the window I can't concentrate.

Okay the baby stopped. 

Here's the thing: I don't have energy for that. I have a massive family I can barely keep up with, I have friends that I truly care about. But I get so caught up in what's going on and building a life for myself that I actually want, I love everyone I'm so blessed to have in my life and I will never stop caring about them. I just don't think to text people to catch up. I figure if someone wants to hang out with me they'll text me. I don't like catching up with someone over text, I'd rather see you face to face.

Just because I'm not texting you or commenting on your posts and tagging you in shit doesn't mean I don't care. Jesus social media is so void of any substance when I scroll through I'll like whatever and just use it as a tool to keep up with any big moments in your life. No one should base the value of themselves or their relationships off of what is seen online. It's a virtual reality, and if you like what's happening online more than what's happening in real life... something is wrong.

This is a whole other conversation I've gotten off track.

My point is that I care, I guess I just don't have the energy. I don't know why but it's exhausting to try to keep a conversation going if it's not already flowing, or if I'm trying to concentrate on something else. Because of this  I don't have that much practice talking with strangers or getting people to like me. I understand social ques I'm not autistic. But sometimes my mind goes blank and things get awkward and then we all move on painfully... or maybe it's just me.

Whatever. For the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me and when I was depressed it would fuel the loathing I would feel for myself because I really didn't have energy then. I'm not trying to be dramatic when I say that I hated myself. I guess that's why I'm dedicating so much time and energy for myself now. Because I spent so long tearing myself down I get to build myself back up again. Thankfully I can do it in a way that I prefer, a better me. A Super-Neat Natalie if you will.

You can always work on yourself to make you better. I just have to remember that I can't forget about the other people in my life while I'm at it. I need to work on the relationships I've built with other people too, maybe build more. You only have yourself at the end of the day... but sometimes you need others to help get you there.

TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAMWORK

EW

okay I'll go.

Anthony Bourdain killed himself exactly one week ago. He had decided that the commitments he made and the people in his life were better off without him. How fucking sad. I mean I get it, all of a sudden you're thrown into this dark hole, there's no foreseeable way to climb out. There's barely enough air to breathe, and your filled with nothing. Desperate to care about something but feeling numb. Feeling nothing. Wondering if all the hustle and bustle surrounding you, all the severe emotions will cut through this clear wall that's grown and let it all pour out. You want to scream, cry, genuinely laugh, hell even just smile but it takes so much out of you and there's barely anything left inside  you to begin with so you stay in bed if you can help it. Sleep forever because that's the only time you're at peace. Those around you want to help but you don't want to be a burden, an empty sack they want to breathe life into again but they don't know you've tried. You've tried and tried again to find the puncture wound that's drained you to plug it up but you can't find it, you have no plug. You try so hard to go out and have fun but you just become a downer. Your friends and family don't need that. They don't deserve that.

Here's the thing. I don't feel this way anymore, some days are better than others granted. But I know there's a light now. I can't always feel the warmth but it will come. The sun always rises to awake you from the slumber. It's rough, and it's sad that someone who lived life to the absolute fullest couldn't see that. But apparently Anthony Bourdain thought it was his time, and maybe it was, fuck who am I to say? He will be missed and will live on forever through Parts Unknown

The roommates are driving me insane

One of our roommates grew up camping with Randy and she's living with us and her boyfriend. They plan on moving out soon and I cannot fucking wait. She is constantly complaining but not complaining to Randy about dog poop stuck to the bottom of the outside garbage bin, or how we never let her cat out, yet they're the one's constantly putting the cat away and talking about how it's not a big deal. And I have to keep my mouth shut, because they're moving out soon. It was supposed to be June 1st but now it's June 8th and I swear if they extend the date that they're moving out again I will scream.

You see Amanda's scared of me, I never hear about these complaints from her, it's either from her boyfriend awkwardly talking to me or through Randy. How can I respect someone who won't ever speak with me about anything other than trying to make awkward small talk and constantly trying to go around me? I know I have an attitude with them now because I have to bite my tongue to avoid making things awkward for Randy who's doing everything he can to keep his family and her family's relationship from becoming uncomfortable. 

I've never met someone who is like this, or I don't know maybe I have and I haven't paid too much attention to them simply because of the fact that I don't get people like that. I understand how someone can grow into that personality, lots of neglect and verbal abuse. But I can't have sympathy for someone who just turns into that type of terror. The way she treats her boyfriend is fucking awkward. Little digs at what he does, starting fights and causing drama one minute and the next minute acting like you're the victim of the entire situation. I don't know, I don't have the perfect relationship I shouldn't pass judgement on hers.

At least she's too much of a coward to try me. But if she tries to start drama with my relationship, I will end her. Apparently she's been asking Randy if everything's okay with him and me. Suggesting Randy getting a bacterial infection from my dog. If I catch her saying shit like that all bets are off.

On the plus side in exactly one month I will be roommate free, just me and my boyfriend in our own house. The only bullshit and drama we gotta deal with is our own!

Tahoe

We went to Tahoe this weekend and oh my god it was such a short weekend. We went up for Cayla's birthday and so I can go see Danielle's new house she bought! It's so crazy that we're in our mid-twenties now. Like damn. I knew people in high school who I wasn't that close with who are dead, or pregnant, or married. But now I have a friend who I still hang out with who just bought a house. She has a mortgage. fuckkkkk. 

Is there ever a time where you feel like you're truly an adult? When does that happen?

Anyway I wish we had more time up there. I feel like every weekend Randy and I are doing stuff for other people. We haven't taken a weekend for just us where we just get away. Or even stay at home and just hang out and do things for each other. I love both of our friends and family and I don't want to neglect them but there's only so much of us to go around and sometimes at the end of the day we don't have anymore to give towards each other. 

So we got up to Tahoma after getting off work on Friday, had an hour to chill and unpack then we met Cayla and her friend Taylor in Tahoe City for drinks and food at like 11. We hung out for an hour till Bridgetender closed and went back to the cabin to sleep. The next morning we woke up, got a bomb ass breakfast at Fire Sign Cafe and Randy and I headed off to Reno to check out Danielle's place while Cayla and Taylor went hiking. Danielle has such a cute simple house with a massive backyard. Randy took a nap while I caught up with her. Then we headed off to Lowe's to help Danielle get a new fridge they had trouble delivering set up in her house, fridges are surprisingly light girl, I guess they don't come full of food lol. Anyway we got pizza on the way back and watched Super Troopers with Cayla and Taylor until we all passed out.

The next morning we got some cereal and eggs from this little market down the street and started cleaning up the cabin. We headed into Tahoe City to rent some paddle-boards for a quick trip out on the lake. Scooby was too interested in chasing waves to stay on the board so everyone went out while I threw some balls for Scooby and got my tan on. After that we got some food and bomb ass beer from Tahoe Mountain Brewing Co, said our goodbyes and headed back down the mountain. 

I'm still recovering from all the exhaustion, Randy and I just had time to do a bit of laundry and put all our clothes away then get ready to go back to work the next day. 

One day I want to be able to do just nothing. One day I will, but we're still working out the balance of blending our lives together while still maintaining all our relationships.

I'm your new lifestyle coach... bitch

I finally realize why I broke down and bought this overpriced, completely impractical website. I needed to do something for myself. I'm constantly helping others at work, I get home and I take care of the dogs and clean so the roommates don't annoy me, I get dinner started so it's ready for  my boyfriend by the time he gets home. 

And then he got sick last week, lord help me he got so sick I had to do most everything for him. He was so sick I didn't want to complain, but he was driving me insane. And my friend who was going up to my grandparents cabin with me for her birthday kept trying to coordinate with me and asking for stuff that I was stressing about that weren't actually big deals. 

I need to take more time for myself again. I had so much time where I worked out and took care of myself and concentrated on bettering myself when I was in college. I need to get back to putting aside time for me. Meditation. Pilates. Other white girl shit that relaxes me.

Fuck pumpkin spice lattes though, that's gross.

I was worried that taking time for myself would affect my relationship or my dogs. But it's made everything better. I get so caught up in my head. I need to chill out. Get out of my fucking head. I just did pilates and some stretching after and it was only 30 minutes but fuck it was 30 minutes where the only thing I was worried about myself and trying to keep doing whatever workout I was concentrating on at the moment.

I sound like one of those over positive lifestyle coaches I gotta go before I tell YOU how YOU can change your life for the bett--holy shit.

I'm chasing waterfalls don't come for me TLC

We had an owners meeting the other day. It lasted four hours, only management had to attend. But our regional manager said that I was mentioned.. my social media posts specifically. How rad is that? I've only been here four years and I'm already making that much of an impact!

FUCK YEAH DUDE.

I'm so happy, I don't even know what to say. But I don't want to get too cocky. You know? Where I think I'm already making an impact and just kick back and enjoy the moment. I gotta make waves baby!

I'm about to OD on webinars and education. Learn all the marketing and social media knowledge I can. Fuck. With. Me. This place has no marketing department... yet. HELLO IF I CAN START MY OWN DEPARTMENT IN THIS PLACE I WILL BE UNTOUCHABLE.

We're going to the top and I'm never gonna stop, at least I hope.

You honestly never know I may be over this by next month, we'll see if this is something I actually stick with... I'm 24 years old get off my back. I'll have my life figured out when I'm 30!

All I know is I didn't eat one bite of ice cream this week, even though it started out rough and my will power in unstoppable.

Thank you, I know I'm amazing.

This post probably makes absolutely no sense but I don't care, this is my website bitch I do what I want.

A customer yelled at me today

Big surprise I know working at a job where I answer phones all day. But it sucks, because they're 9 times out of 10 yelling at me for another person's mistake, or something that's completely out of my control. And what do I do? I listen, I'm compassionate, I pretend to care that this person's inconvenience is the worst thing in the world. Because it is to them, at that point in time.

I have no idea what's happening in their personal lives, I can't judge them. But because I'm the voice that represents this place filled with a hundred other people, I get to suffer that abuse. Customer is always right, we need to keep them happy, it's our job to serve.

How demeaning is that? My very existence, the main skill that I have to offer and get paid $17/hr is to listen to people bitch about other people's mistakes. And I have to listen and be apologetic and let all of it fall on me. And then let it go, because there's another customer on the line that needs to be serviced.

But that's the game I gotta play, and I have to keep playing it until someone thinks I've developed enough skills to be promoted. 

I'm just venting I know, and this isn't the end of the world. I'm not torn over this phone call. By tomorrow I'll probably even forget the woman's name. But right now it sucks.

 

I'm not trying to make this place something that's full of negativity, I've just been sick all weekend and I should've called out sick today. But who can afford to do that LOL. 

This week can only get better from here. Fuck, it better.

 

On the plus side I've walked past the break-room numerous times and the fuckers put out half a sheet cake in there for people to munch on. I have not grabbed one slice, no matter how tempting it looks, self-control baby!

I do happen to have a pint of Ben & Jerry's The Tonight Dough in my freezer and I'll be dammed if I'm not devouring that fucker tonight.

Queen of Swords

Brilliance, honesty, clarity. I feel like I'm finding my little niche at work. Though I may not like everything that I'm doing I do like where it's heading. I need to keep going. I need to persevere and keep the end goal in mind. I'm smart. I know where my mind and creativity can take me. Now it's time to keep the course. 

I'm getting drunk tonight. Despite how confident and sure I sounded in that paragraph above, it's been a long fucking week and I need a drink. Plus I'm starving right now so I guarantee you this one Stella Cider is gonna get me buzzedddddd. 

Ooo I'm already gassy.

No I'm not already drunk.

Honestly I've been really questioning the path that I've been going down. Everything's falling into place so smoothly--which NEVER happens. It's strange. But I'm taking the right path, it's not perfect, it's not going to be easy. But it's perfect for me. And that alone right there, makes it worth it. I just got to keep staying true to myself. 

Even though half the time I don't even know if I truly understand myself yet. How fucked is that? We expect our loved ones to understand us perfectly (AND THEY DO) when half the time we're blind to who we truly are. I guess that shows how easy it is to lose perspective. I hope this... whatever THIS is, will help keep me looking at this shit from all different angles.

Steer the course captain... Oh fuck.

I'M THE CAPTAIN.

Hello.

Well, here I am at work. I created my own site on a 14 day free trial. Normally I'll start things and never go through with them so good luck to you Nat.Jo... Why did I do this? Is there work that I could be doing? Probably. Could I get fired for this... I'll get back to you on that. I'm sitting in what I--sorry you don't know  that I had to minimize you but I did. Just got a email, had some urgent report to send out by the end of the day! I had it out in 5 minutes.

You know what sucks? Since I started working here I've gained so much weight. My first desk job and the very thing I didn't want to happen has already begun. And now that I have a boyfriend I fucking want to spend all my free time hanging out with--it's extremely inconvenient let me tell you. I haven't put aside any time for myself to work out. Plus I eat... not like shit but it's not the best for sure. So here I am, slowly growing wider and slumping down more and more.

I've only been working here for 3 months.