For the longest time I didn't think I had a personality...

Legitimately. When I was growing up I felt like I was just coasting on my looks. I'm not crazy hot but I could turn heads every now and then. I would wonder if I was a sociopath... but I  felt guilty for killing spiders so that option was out. I could make people laugh if I cared enough to try. But that's where the problem arises. I didn't care.

I care about people and what they think of me to an extent obviously everyone wants people to like them. But I'm not going to die if someone doesn't like me. Here's the thing, a baby is crying outside of the window I can't concentrate.

Okay the baby stopped. 

Here's the thing: I don't have energy for that. I have a massive family I can barely keep up with, I have friends that I truly care about. But I get so caught up in what's going on and building a life for myself that I actually want, I love everyone I'm so blessed to have in my life and I will never stop caring about them. I just don't think to text people to catch up. I figure if someone wants to hang out with me they'll text me. I don't like catching up with someone over text, I'd rather see you face to face.

Just because I'm not texting you or commenting on your posts and tagging you in shit doesn't mean I don't care. Jesus social media is so void of any substance when I scroll through I'll like whatever and just use it as a tool to keep up with any big moments in your life. No one should base the value of themselves or their relationships off of what is seen online. It's a virtual reality, and if you like what's happening online more than what's happening in real life... something is wrong.

This is a whole other conversation I've gotten off track.

My point is that I care, I guess I just don't have the energy. I don't know why but it's exhausting to try to keep a conversation going if it's not already flowing, or if I'm trying to concentrate on something else. Because of this  I don't have that much practice talking with strangers or getting people to like me. I understand social ques I'm not autistic. But sometimes my mind goes blank and things get awkward and then we all move on painfully... or maybe it's just me.

Whatever. For the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me and when I was depressed it would fuel the loathing I would feel for myself because I really didn't have energy then. I'm not trying to be dramatic when I say that I hated myself. I guess that's why I'm dedicating so much time and energy for myself now. Because I spent so long tearing myself down I get to build myself back up again. Thankfully I can do it in a way that I prefer, a better me. A Super-Neat Natalie if you will.

You can always work on yourself to make you better. I just have to remember that I can't forget about the other people in my life while I'm at it. I need to work on the relationships I've built with other people too, maybe build more. You only have yourself at the end of the day... but sometimes you need others to help get you there.



okay I'll go.