Overthinking

Well I have a house. We have a house, we’re renting. Me, Randy and Cayla. And things are surprisingly smooth and normal. Except for me as always. I got two promotions and one pay-raise. I’m in the position I wanted to go into when I started at this company 8 months ago. Things have been amazing.

So why do I feel like my emotions are going through crazy turbulence and I’m about to crash. Is it because this job is just whatever? It’s not something I’m excited to come in to work everyday doing, it’s boring, but it’s not the worst job in the world. And honestly? I’m getting paid pretty well and there’s lots of room to move up. I mean obviously, I’ve been here 9 months and I’m a fucking manager. Who gave me this power? Why?

Randy suggested we start doing a potluck style dinner between us to save money on food and make things easier when we all get home and work together on one meal rather than trying to make two separate meals. And that was honestly a great idea! We all hang out and talk while cooking and sit down together to eat and it feels like a we’re a big family. The thing is.. I’m controlling and neurotic. Randy and I come up with the big concept of meals we’re going to have for the week and Cayla helps with the sides. The kitchen is my space. I want to take control and make the meals my way (the right way in my mind of course) and Cayla’s in there making solid suggestions and sometime’s Randy agrees and I have to cool out my controlling gene and go with it. It’s a great exercise for my patience. So then instead of relaxing and zoning out while cooking and doing my thing. I have Cayla constantly looking for things to help, she wants to help out, she loves to cook too! And I do like cooking with Cayla most of the time, but sometimes I just want to zone out and get lost in what I’m doing. I’m going to have to find another outlet or man up and fucking talk to them about it (without being an asshole, and lets be honest I can be a fucking asshole when I’m stressed) to get my me-time.

I’m overthinking everything in my life and I need to calm down. I feel like I’m adult, but I also feel like I’m playing a stupid part and all I want to do is run away and live on Mt. Shasta and figure out what is going on inside my head. Or maybe I just want to forget everything. Ruin everything I’ve built and worked on and create a huge mess for me to clean up.

Honestly my life is so good right now, so why am I so… I don’t even know. I’m… going crazy lol.

Maybe I’m living a lie and don’t want to admit it to myself. OR MAYBE I’M OVERTHINKING and should relax and enjoy everything good and beautiful in my life right now.

Is this what being an adult is like?